Yu-Gi-Oh! SeXal (No, doesn't have anything to do with Rule 34.)

*Note-The Episode name has nothing to do with the episode.

Overly dramatic music was playing while I walked across a random bridge of stone. There weren’t any guardrails, which sucked. Oh, wait, never mind; that’s not really a matter because anime characters almost never fall to their deaths.

After several seconds of completely unneeded walking I came to a massive gate that had this – you know, this scary face. Apparently, scary faces appearing from literally nine seconds after the show starts were considered cool by today’s Japanese kids.

The face started talking in this extremely gruff voice that was impossible to hear.

“Uh – I’m sorry?” I blinked. “I can’t hear anything you’re saying.”

“;adfjka;sdmgesjfiejrifkd.”

“Oh f***.”

That was when suddenly, an Earthquake signal popped up above us.

“I hate it every time that happens in the middle of a show,” I said, glancing up at the evil message that must be one day eradicated from the world completely. “Die, signal. Stop ruining our show.”

“At 7:25, Earthquake in…”

“Shut up!”

And then, for no apparent reason, the ground beneath me suddenly COLLAPSED!!!!!!!

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111oneone oneoneone” I screamed as I fell, cursing the damn anime writers for letting the main character die so quickly.

I smacked my a** onto the ground.

“…I think I just broke most of my rib cage…” I mumbled as I got up. “…Oh. Look, another anime starting with a dream. Looks like I can’t expect anything good from this show.”

That was when the clock rang for eight at the perfect anime-ish timing.

“Oh my god!” I exclaimed. “I’m late for school! …Wait, a main character in Yugioh going to a school!? I REALLY HOPE THIS ISN’T SOME RANDOM STUPID GX FAN FIC”

For some reason I felt the urge to bring my deck to school, so I gathered the cards in a hurry – Grapha, Dragon Lord of Dark World, Dark World Gate, Fabled Raven – WAIT WTF WHAT SORT OF DECK AM I PLAYING – into my deck case and literally went Tarzan by swinging off a rope into the living room on the below floor. I wonder what sort of company agreed on building this house.

My older sister Akari, who is commonly subject to Rule 34, was talking to a computer screen nearby while devouring a pencil.

“HEEEY!” I screamed as I started randomly jogging on the spot just for comic relief, “Why didn’t you wake me up!? You could have like, hanged me upon a crux and proceeded to force your invisible new twin sister to say ‘Sorry’ a thousand times while you stab me all across my body. That would have done the job.”

“Shut up, I’m busy writing a top-secret article on how I should assassinate every VIP in the world,” Akari sipped from a cup filled with hydrochloric acid. “Preferably, I must first get a note that kills people who have their name written in it.”

“I think I have one of those in my school locker,” I called and rushed out the house. Outside, my granny who is secretly the ultimate overlord of the entire universe was sweeping the lawn. Or at least, she was trying to do so, but with each sweep a thousand meteorites fell from the heavens and blasted all across the city, and where she swept the ground burst into lava, so it wasn’t really working the way she wanted to.

“Yuma, have you m********** yet this morning?” she smiled at me.

“I don’t have time!” I ran on top speed.

My grandmother smiled. She snapped her fingers.

Instantly the ground in front of me materialized into a random monster from H.P. Lovecraft, screeching and snapping claws.

“I think I have a lot of time to spend,” I said.

After m***********, I headed to school.

When I was unleashing the full force of the jet packs stored in my legs, my random friend Tetsuo, who was definitely going to be a “standing there” position character in several episodes, came riding a demonic black warplane. “Today I will kill you Yuma!” he screamed as he pulled shotguns out of nowhere and blasted them all in my direction.

Instantly an AT Field of Level 7 opened up around me, deflecting the bullets into the warplane, which crashed and exploded.

Meanwhile, Kotori, who is my girlfriend (and the main reason why I always long to slip into the world of Rule 34), was looking from the window of a futuristic train-ish thingy majigy that happened to be running by. “This is my random cameo scene that is nothing of specialty,” she said.

Apparently the scene where I was tortured to near death by the teachers because I was late was cut, or dubbed, because the next second I found myself in the P.E. class.

“Whew,” I said. “Thank god this doesn’t look like a bad GX fan fic.”

The problem was that, in the scene cut, seemingly I had declared I will jump a vaulting box of Level 20, which sorta, you know, exceeded the world record. Not like I have the info on it, but I’m pretty sure.

WTF was wrong with the anime writers? Were they promoting this near-impossible feat to Japanese children! No wonder why they always have literally impossible hairstyles.

And as I ran towards the thing, and all the kids around me gasped overemotionally, I screamed:

“KATTOBINGUDA! OREEEEE!!!”

At that second, my upper shirt was shred to pieces as all my muscles grew to fifty times the size, resulting in a Metamorphosis that made Godwin from 5D’s look like Justin Beiber. In short, it turned me into Hulk.

I jumped so high I broke through the ceiling and crashed down it again.

“You didn’t place your hands on the box!” the teacher yelled. “It doesn’t count! Next!”

Swimming was the next class, or at least the next class that didn’t get cut, and I found myself trying to swim across a pool without breathing even once. My supernatural powers were enough to do that, so I thought I could-

My mistake was looking up at the other kids.

OH MY GAWD KOTORI’S WEARING A SWIMMING SUI-

I failed at not breathing.

That was when a scene created for character development popped up. I was talking with Kotori in the middle of a classroom, about a key I always wore as a badass show-off necklace. I said it was given from my mother and father, which pretty much acted as a backstory explanation. Oh, wait, a Yugioh character has backstory! That’s turning out good.

But well, wait, where’s the duels.

OH GODDAMN F*** THE EFFING DUELS

“Hey, Director,” I called to space. “Can we just skip to the dueling?”

And so here I’m at a dueling field in our town, with Kotori besides me. All sorts of random children were playing the most suckish monsters like-

…Wait, do I see a Chaos Sorcerer in their midst?

WTF KONAMI

That was when I saw Tetsuo, who by the way has an immortal body, dueling someone else.

“Who’s that?” I said, and gasped upon seeing who it was.

“O…Octopus!”

“Stop calling me Octopus!” Octopus yelled. “Shark sounds cooler.”

“But you don’t have any traits of a Shark. Change your hairstyle first.”

“I can’t. Anime characters don’t change hairstyles.”

“Wait, Yuma,” Kotori, “What deck is Octopus playing?”

“I can’t see his field very we-” I stopped dead.

“…Oh gawd it’s Coelacanth.”

Tetsuo exploded as Coelacanth unleashed its full cheating abilities of death and doom.

“Promise’s a promise,” Octupus grinned, and snatched Tetsuo’s deck.

Wait.

Not Tetsuo’s deck!!

“What are you doing to Tetsuo!?” I ran over to Octopus. “His deck contains all those rare cards like Tour Guide and Reborn Tengu! I was gonna steal it today! It was on my schedule list for over a month now!”

“We promised we’re betting our decks on the duel,” Octopus grinned. “You just shut up.”

That was when two random characters that were assumingly sex slaves for Octopus materialized behind their master. “Hey, kid, you know who you’re talking to?”

“Octopus-Sama is the number one duelist in this school!” Another yelled. “Also, this line is just another piece of background explanation.”

“Shut the f*** up and call me Shark,” Octopus said.

“Octopus-Sama!”

“Oh whatever, forget it.”

“Give me Tetsuo’s deck!” I screamed. “It’s not yours!”

“…Yuma?” Tetsuo said. “You’re…for me…?”

“No, I’m going to take all the rare cards and then sell the rest on ebay.”

“You’re not a friend.”

“If you really want this back,” Octopus grinned, “Give me the thing most precious for you.”

“There’s no possible way I’m giving you my virginity!” I yelled. “That’s for Kotori!”

“…Yuma…” Kotori facepalmed behind me.

“I don’t care about your virginity,” Octopus snapped. “I’ve taken that from hundreds of other duelists. Female duelists.”

“udidwat”

“Also,” Octopus suddenly snatched the random key I was wearing, “Since I’m a major rival character I guess I’ll copy what Jounouchi did.” He let it clatter upon the ground and smashed it with his shoe.

I’m glad I was always wearing a copy made of clay, I thought.

“Duel me on Sunday at the train station square,” Octopus said. “And if you win, I’ll give you this deck. If you don’t, I’ll take yours too. Because I’m that badass. Hahahahahaha.” With a perfectly unneeded evil laugh he walked away.

Let’s skip it till the duel. I’m getting tired of writing.

I went back home. I ate dinner. I slept. I woke up. I brushed my teeth.

…Wait, I don’t think I did.

Anyhow, I, Kotori, and Tetsuo were at the square with Shark.

“I’ll praise you for not running away,” Octopus sneered at me, “But frankly, it’s impossible to beat my Coelacanth OTK. I netdecked from various tournaments and made this after all that.”

I opened up my duel disk and threw a D-Gayzer into the air (yes, I’m sure I spelled that right), which instantly snapped itself onto my left eye like a boss.

“Let’s duel!” The overused phrase rang across the square.

“It’s my turn!” I drew a card. “I set a card and activate Card Destruction! Both players discard their entire hand and draw the same number of cards!”

“What the-” Octopus yelled. “Don’t tell me-“

“I draw 4 cards-” I yelled – “And Special Summon Sillva and Goldd! Then I activate Broww’s ability to draw another card – And then Snow to search from my deck Gate of the Dark World!”

The two evil entities sprang into life besides me.

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I feel so dead,” Octopus mumbled.

I ended my turn with 2 Sillvas, 1 Goldd, 1 Gate, and 2 face-downs.

Both are Solemn Warning.

Derp.

“My turn,” Octopus said. “First-oh-wait-”

He chuckled. “I can win this one.”

“Death flag much,” I said.

“I activate two MSTs,” Octopus yelled, and instantly my two Solemn Warnings were destroyed.

“FU----------”

“And I proceed to activate Star Blast! To summon-”

He raised a card shining in his hands. “Superancient Deepsea King Coelacanth!”

Instantly the ground between us exploded into a shower of seawater as from its depths, the overpowered beast of overpowered overpoweredness sprang, screeching overpoweredly in an overpowered fashion.

He glanced at his hand. “Hmm…what OTK should I perform of all those…hmm…Well, I like this best.”

He summoned Shooting Quasar.

“Octopus-San’s Monster Combo!” Octopus’s sex slaves cried.

“Go, Shooting Quasar!” Octopus roared. “Attack his mon-”

“WAIT!!” I screamed.

“What is it?” Octopus raised an eyebrow.

“…Isn’t today September 1st?” I said. “I mean, sorry if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure-”

Octopus checked his watch.

“…...Oh.”

“You didn’t follow the ban list!” I cackled. “You lose!”

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUU---------” Octopus exploded as his Life Points hit 0 from cheating, blasted away by the unnecessarily large impact.

“Yay! Yuma won!” Kotori and Tetsuo went berserk.

“Not following the Ban List? That’s not our Octopus-Sama!” Octopus’s sex slaves ran away.

“Finally!” I screamed in joy. “I can finally get my 3 copies of Tour Guide and Tengu!”

Octopus gritted his teeth and stood up, walking towards us. “…Promise is a promise. I’m giving you back Tetsuo’s deck.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” I cackled again. “I AM THE KING OF THE WORLD!!”

Octopus eyed me.

“NOW BOW DOWN BEFORE ME MORTALS!!”

I snatched the deck from Octopus’s hands and, grinning, looked through the cards.

Larvae Moth
Larvae Moth
Larvae Moth
Larvae Moth…

I blinked and looked at Octopus’s direction.

Instead, I found his back speeding away full speed on a motorcycle.

“…He’s…” I blinked. “He’s not only broke a promise, he’s also riding a motorcycle when he hasn’t even finished Junior High. This is why Japanese kids have the most illogical hairstyles.”

Meanwhile, within a different universe, Astral was floating with arms crossed.

“…When is my cameo?"